Beneath the White Coat

Martin, a friend, a brother in Christ, a patient. Martin, calm, peaceful, strong, loyal, servanthood. Martin, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a disciple maker, Your child. Martin, jaundiced, weak, immobile, lying on the hospital bed, on heparin drip. Martin, unknowing. Lord, I pray to you, you are the Almighty, you are the Lion, you are the Creator of all things, you are the beginning, the now, the end. You know each of us by name, even the very hairs on our heads are numbered. Lord you tell us to not be afraid, we are worth more than many sparrows. Lord, we do not know your plans, but we know that YOU have EVERYTHING planned. Thank you God.

Reflections. Today was one of those days, I stopped in my steps, took a deep breath, paused and looked back at past years. I re-read some of the notes I wrote from ten years ago, remembering that me.  In my 20’s my heart was bursting of energy, of joy, of immense possibilities and this intense desire to do GOOD and be LOVE in the world. Remembering that I had a torch that I carried with me as I lived. I’m not sure when it happened, but the flame slowly slowly started dwindling. Until it became this tiny spark, so dim, so fragile, surrounded by a thick walled glass of a heart. God was and is and will ALWAYS be there, but I, came and went as this glass matured. I wavered and dived into the messiness of the world, some days, months or even years of getting lost in the waves. Even still, HE, parted the waters many times in my life, in those moments, I could came up for a refreshing life-saving breath. Yet somehow, stones kept finding me, I got weighed back down over and over aga...

It has been a while since sharing my heart through words on a blog pad. Today, inspiration to write came from some beautiful readings, and some deep felt human encounters at work. My background... or foreground, is in medicine, currently on a two year journey of residency in Vancouver to become a family doctor. It has been 4 months since the start of this residency program, and every step has been quite rewarding for the soul. The word of the day for me was this: brokenness; or this: Akhilandeshvari - the never-not-broken Goddess. Today, I witnessed some more shattered pieces of human experiences; the pieces were new to me on first glance - pieces of gender dysphoria, pieces of violent paranoia, and pieces of unrelenting schizophrenia in the face of systemic mistrust. I gently peel off the layers with them, setting aside carefully these shards of brokenness. What I saw beneath it all were equivocally vulnerable yet with such untouched beauty: a desire to be accepted not as whole,...

Where would I be in this very moment if I had wings, if I had absolute freedom. Would I be here? Would this still be my life?  We should be bound by our dreams... or should we really?  Born into a world of inequalities, how much choice do we have in living. How much power do I hold in walking that fine line between the earth and the sky. Or maybe there never was a line. It has always been imagined, imaginary, it has never been there truly... it is what we, the human species, has drawn for ourselves, a box, a rectangle, a triangle, a circle... and then we were confined.  So then what's the dilemma. What is holding you back. Family? Their expectations? You mean the expectations of the world - the responsibility it brings to you, in exchange for your life. But think again. What is the expectation. Why has this life begun as it will one day end. Bestowed upon us, each with different gifts... have I found mine? Have you found yours? This circle, approach...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Just finished "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley. A challenging read for the mind. Putting myself back 50 years from now, I'd probably be unable to finish the book, because of the radical concept of an utopic realm it presented... Not sure if my naive mind in the society of that time would have allowed my eyes continuing on. But today, it seems a much closer possibility that perhaps the humanity should be pondering upon: would you be embracing such a world with arms wide open, or would you retreat in an attempt to preserve the old ways of life? Would you take the dose of virtue and happiness at the price of the active pursuits of truth? Would the world be a better place if peace and contentment became a simple universal gift, or would it find its greater value in the struggles of humanity through war and illness and God in times of loneliness? Taking a look around me, many parts of this place falling into pieces, because of h...

Once in a while, I'd put my life seemingly on pause, and marvel at the almost infinite world, infinite to me, the lives of strangers, the stories they hold, the dreams they bear for this life. I'd google the population of that day; today's # of living = 6,838,199,815. And then I'd hold out my hands, stare into them, into the physics of me. One life, right here, female, asian, has been granted so far 22 years of life, still counting. Connected to me, other souls, bigger stories, of family, of other loved ones, of this generation, of the ones past. At least once in your life, you'll wonder about the purpose of it all, "to live," the purpose of humanity; you'll plan the future, while looking back at the road you've journeyed upon... Sometimes you look so deep that you forget how to live the present. You start questioning everything you every knew, every "fact" or "truth", every emotion expressed, every person, every idea, every ...

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better... To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." --Emerson

We live in a world with much hatred, sufferings, mistrust, and war, but also a lot of beauty. Instead of always being on our toes and doubting human nature, why not start seeing the good in people, stop assuming the worst, and start trusting life, and fully, truly live in it! A very simple concept it is, yet often criticized as being idealistic. But I believe these ideas are what can change the world we live in, these thoughts are what can break down the concrete walls of the mistrusting society of the so-called personal/communal/national security. I believe there is so much beauty in each life! I believe in love, that each person needs and deserves to be loved! I believe that the simple act of seeking beauty can make this world more beautiful. I believe in the concept of paying it forward without expecting anything in return. I believe in unconditional love, because that brings out the most of life. Starting this blog, I wish to share my sentiments of living with you and the wor...